Americans love to rip on football (aka. “soccer”) as being slightly effete and not the sort of sport a real man should engage in. So I thought that I should compare football with what Americans call “football”, and see which one actually is gayer…
Soccer: Long socks, baggy, comfortable shorts, long, loose-fitting shirt. The sort of thing a red-blooded guy relaxes in at home;
American Football: Tights that show off your arse and camel-toe, shoulder-pads, mesh shirt, bulbous helmet. Exactly the sort of thing you wear to G.A.Y on a Friday night if you’re looking for a bit of batty.
2. Game time:
Soccer: Two halves of forty-five minutes each. Total game time – two hours or so. A decent length of time for hanging with the guys;
American Football: Four quarters of fifteen minutes each. So less than soccer, and with more breaks in case the players break a nail. Total game time – about four hours. About the length of time a gay guy takes to pluck his eyebrows and get ready to go to afore-mentioned G.A.Y on a Friday night.
Soccer: Eleven guys, plus about five or so on the bench. About the size of a decent frat party;
American Football: Eleven offense players. Eleven defense players. A designated kicker. Numerous cheerleaders. A massive brass band. Just about enough for a gay pride parade.
Soccer: A guy with the ball is tackled. The game continues. It takes less time than a guy would taking a slash;
American Football: A guy with the ball is tackled within five seconds of play resuming. Everybody stops and checks that their padding is in place for five minutes. The game resumes. It’s a bit like a ladies bathroom break where they check themselves in the mirror and adjust their eyebrows.
Soccer: Constant motion. Good manly exercise;
American Football: Stops and starts all the time so that the girls playing can adjust their bras and catch their breath again.
6. Crowd refreshments:
Soccer: Lager – a real man’s drink.
American Football: Light beer – a watery, low calorie, low alcohol concoction designed to be slimming so that fans can look after their figure.
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So in conclusion, it’s pretty clear that Association Football (a.k.a. “Soccer”) is a man’s game, and American Football is for big girl’s blouses. Soccer is for WAGs and American Football is for fags. And anyone who thinks David Beckham is a bit metro has clearly never seen the Pittsburgh Steelers’ Troy Polamalu advertise Head and Shoulders shampoo.