Soccer Versus American Football: Which Sport is Gayer?

Americans love to rip on football (aka. “soccer”) as being slightly effete and not the sort of sport a real man should engage in.  So I thought that I should compare football with what Americans call “football”, and see which one actually is gayer…

1.  Clothing:

Soccer:  Long socks, baggy, comfortable shorts, long, loose-fitting shirt.  The sort of thing a red-blooded guy relaxes in at home;

American Football:  Tights that show off your arse and camel-toe, shoulder-pads, mesh shirt, bulbous helmet.  Exactly the sort of thing you wear to G.A.Y on a Friday night if you’re looking for a bit of batty.

2.  Game time:

Soccer:  Two halves of forty-five minutes each.   Total game time – two hours or so.  A decent length of time for hanging with the guys;

American Football:  Four quarters of fifteen minutes each.  So less than soccer, and with more breaks in case the players break a nail.  Total game time – about four hours.  About the length of time a gay guy takes to pluck his eyebrows and get ready to go to afore-mentioned G.A.Y on a Friday night.

3. Players:

Soccer:  Eleven guys, plus about five or so on the bench.  About the size of a decent frat party;

American Football:  Eleven offense players.  Eleven defense players.  A designated kicker.  Numerous cheerleaders.  A massive brass band.  Just about enough for a gay pride parade.

4.  Tackling:

Soccer:  A guy with the ball is tackled.  The game continues.  It takes less time than a guy would taking a slash;

American Football:  A guy with the ball is tackled within five seconds of play resuming.  Everybody stops and checks that their padding is in place for five minutes.  The game resumes.  It’s a bit like a ladies bathroom break where they check themselves in the mirror and adjust their eyebrows.

5.  Game-play:

Soccer:  Constant motion.  Good manly exercise;

American Football:  Stops and starts all the time so that the girls playing can adjust their bras and catch their breath again.

6.  Crowd refreshments:

Soccer:  Lager – a real man’s drink.

American Football:  Light beer – a watery, low calorie, low alcohol concoction designed to be slimming so that fans can look after their figure.

* * * * *

So in conclusion, it’s pretty clear that Association Football (a.k.a. “Soccer”) is a man’s game, and American Football is for big girl’s blouses.  Soccer is for WAGs and American Football is for fags.  And anyone who thinks David Beckham is a bit metro has clearly never seen the Pittsburgh Steelers’ Troy Polamalu advertise Head and Shoulders shampoo.

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2 thoughts on “Soccer Versus American Football: Which Sport is Gayer?

  1. Ray Lewis says:

    One word “penis biting in soccer” nothing is gayer than this,nullifying your whole argument.
    What’s the hardest part about playing soccer?
    Telling your parents that your gay

    • Such a convincing rebuttal! But I’m afraid that “penis biting in soccer” is four words, not one, and the correct expression is “Telling your parents that *you’re* gay”. Better to be gay than illiterate and innumerate, Sir.

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